Innermost

If Only...

2005-07-18T12:40:00.000+08:00

Last night, after watching the movie "If Only" starring Jennifer Love Hewitt, i was reminded that we all really must live each day as if it's our last 'coz no one exactly knows when his or her time is up in this world. Personally, i figured it out that i have no much time left. From now on, i'm really going to maximize my time, for it is one of the most precious things we tend to take for granted oftentimes. In the end, i'm going to make sure that i won't be uttering that phrase "if only..."
=================

Speaking of If Only's stuff, these are some of those so called regrets I have...
If only...
1. I continued playing Basketball, not being dismayed by my height and not giving up on the circumstances i had that led my dream of becoming a basketball player a finished story...
2. I gave my programming lessons an extra effort on my part to study, practice, and master them...
3. I had the guts to approach her and ask her for a dance during her 18th birthday...
4. I wasn't intimidated and stopped by the things my c0-youth members were doing whenever she was around...
5. I wasn't proud sometimes...
6. I wasn't too tactless and I'd always thought of the right words to say at certain instances...
7. I took time everyday to talk to God and ask what His will for me is...

Thoughts

2005-07-14T10:42:00.000+08:00

...just realized that it has already been 1 year since i've started this blog and it feels great! haha... For the year that had passed, i really felt good everytime i just let my heart speak out, without hesitations or whatsoever. This is my story, this is me.
=================

I was watching a late night news program last night and as usual, news is almost all about the "resign GMA" issue still. Honestly, i don't want to comment or air my opinion about the matter but when the field reporter of that particular news program came to interview a common employee at Makati, i realized that she (the employee being interviewed) was right... that those organizations and sectors who are heading these rallies right now are actually selfish and self ambitous. They don't give a damn whether foreign investors won't continue investing in our country (i don't think that the leaders of those groups are stupid enough not to know the implications of the rallies they are staging for these past days, and worse, they are holding it at Makati...) or they simply want to regain power over the administration of the country.

Yesterday, i was supposed to meet my sister in her office at Makati for a lunch date but due to the rally being held there at Paseo de Roxas, she cancelled our date for she was afraid that things might go worse. Truly, many activities and more importantly, business activities, are affected by these rallies being held. But i'm not saying that they should stop exercising their freedom of speech and expression (we're still in a democratic country after all). What i'm sick of is that all of us have this tendency to complain and grumble about many things (the government administration in this case..) but we are not doing our part! Those groups are complaining about the poor economy of the country but what if they just continue working hard instead of being there in the rallies? What if everyone would just be united, would have the same goal which is for our country's development? For me, Philippines would have been one of the richest countries of this world if not for the numerous political issues the countries had have. Why is there an opposition? Could the government be united for once??

It just saddens me... because i really love this country.

Loving One's Self

2005-07-12T11:44:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, i realized how unfair and cruel i have been to myself. For all these years, i've always considered what others will think or say when i would do something. Well, can't blame myself actually for i am someone who really cares about people especially my family and friends. I don't want somebody being angry or having some rift with me. I really hate that feeling to the point that i usually do the first move of patching things up even if i have no fault at all. But that's not the issue (of whose fault is it..). What i'm trying to point out is i'm sick of being hurt by those people whom, ironically, are the closest to my heart. Honestly, i'm tired with them at this point... and maybe, God is teaching me the lesson of letting go...

But i'm not a quitter or something. Because i know, i've done my part (sometimes, including the others' parts actually) and it's not my problem anymore...

Don't also think that i don't care anymore with those people. It's just that i realized now that of all the people i loved and cared for, sarili ko pa nakalimutan ko...

And as Jesus had put it, He said "love your neighbors as yourself".

After 21 Years...

2005-07-03T23:59:00.000+08:00

It has been 21 years and i can say that i have already lived life. I know, there's still a lot more ahead of me, more paths to take, more dreams to make.. but the two things that matter most are the fact that i have Him whom i know will always be there in every step i will take, and the friendship i have with the girl whom i will love for the rest of my life...

Special thanks to my Ate Peews who made my 21st birthday celebration possible, to my CS2K5 barkada whom i shared another happy time at Donnlyn's Depedida Swimming Party during the morning, to the Redeemed Youth who was there during my "surprise" birthday celebration, and to my Pax who made my day indeed great and memorable!

Most of all, i thank God for all the 21 years He has given me. I bring back all the glory to Him who is the main purpose of my existence. I may not have many "things" in life but He has definitely made me one of the richest people here in this world through my family and my friends...

"Live your life while you have it. Life is a splendid gift. There is nothing small about it."
- Florence Nightingale

"Life is not about how many breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away."
- An unknown breather

How Can I Not...?

2005-07-01T14:44:00.000+08:00

How can i not stand up?
...if God's hands are always there to pick me up when i fall!
How can i not finish the race?
...if God's power is always upon me!
How can i not enjoy and live life to the fullest?
...if God's grace is ever present through the people around me!
How can i not continue dreaming and hoping?
...if God's plans and desires for me are beyond what i can only imagine!
How can i not be forever grateful?
...if God has already given me a very special gift, a gem so rare and precious...
...and tell me, how can i not fall in love with that gift, if God's love is just right there inside its heart?

She's the one, my pax... the greatest gift i ever had.

Ate Peews' Day!

2005-06-24T23:56:00.000+08:00

today's my ate's birthday.. just came home from our province where we celebrated with some of our closest friends.. the food, the parada ng litson event, the festive atmosphere,, really had fun out there especially with my pax being there with us =)
=================

"Decide.. Decide.. Decide for yourself. Think it over and over again..."
- Lola Ponying (my everdearest lola.. upon saying goodbye to my pax..)

2005-05-21T23:55:00.000+08:00

..i just had one of my most memorable and greatest nights ever.

it was the despidida party of my bestfriend. i came there with my pax vannie ('coz she was also invited by bhez..) and it was a night indeed. For the first time, she met my bestfriend and my super kulit barkada (though di kmi kumpleto that night..) and we all really had a great time..

..but what i would always remember was when pax and i were about to leave, my bhez thanked us for coming and she kissed pax.. i thought, the goodbye ceremonies had ended after that but pax felt she needed more as she came back to bhez, kissed and hugged her. i nearly cried that moment. hayy...

Yakapin mo ako,
Habang atin ang Gabi..

2005-05-02T18:50:00.000+08:00

Tulog na mahal ko
Hayaan na muna
natin ang mundong ito
'lika na
tulog na tayo

Tulog na mahal ko
`wag kang lumuha
malambot ang iyong kama
saka na mamroblema

Tulog na
hayaan na muna natin sila
Mamaya hindi ka na nila kaya pang saktan
Matulog, tulog ka na

Tulog na mahal ko
Nandito lang akong bahala sa iyo
Sige na
tulog na muna

Tulog na mahal ko
at baka bukas ngingiti ka sa wakas
at sabay natin
harapin ang mundo

Tulog na by Sugarfree

2005-04-21T21:12:00.000+08:00

it's been awhile.. after my graduation last march 31, i took some time to reflect and pause for awhile, thinking where i really want to be.. what i want to do with my life.. i stayed in our province for a week, went to anilao, batangas last monday with my youth friends, and will be in nasugbu, batangas this weekend for our class outing.. and after all these vacation and leisures, it's game time..
=================

i'm so glad that God has used me these past few weeks the way He'd never before. being her confidant, crying shoulder, outlet, and close friend, i really could not ask God for more.. i pray that she'll always feel God's love through me.. through our friendship so dear and close deep inside my heart.
=================

..this is what life is all about. loving someone with all of yourself, not minding if that person loves you back or gives something in return. you just know, you enjoy being with her. you feel alive every moment you spend with her. and you know, this is the best way of making the most out of this short span of time we have in this world.

..everytime i'm with her, this is what i feel.

God's Grace

2005-03-18T12:42:00.000+08:00

"Every day we have is one more than we deserve."
-by Robert Redford from the movie Up Close and Personal
=================

after successfully redefending our thesis last tuesday, getting the signatures of our panel and our department head for our approval sheet, bookbinding the final document of our thesis, and verifying our grade at the registrar's office, it's finally official.. i will graduate this march 31.

to God be all the glory!
=================

so what now? i'm now about to enter the real world.. where they say the real battle begins. right now, i don't know actually what i'll do in the coming days, months.. i'm now in one of the biggest crossroads my life has ever been.

this is it. the desicions i will be making, the roads i'll be taking will surely affect my tomorrow. i am not sure of anything but Him.. that no matter what road i'd take, as long as He's there with me, i'm sure that everything's 'gonna be alright!
=================

all of what i am, what i have right now is because of His grace. i can't be proud of anything for without Him, i practically nothing.. as in zero.

"Just what is it in me?
sometimes I just don't know
what keeps me in your love
why you never let me go..

And though you're in me now
I fall and hurt you still
My Lord please show me how
to know just how you feel

You have forgiven me
too many times it seems
I feel I'm not what you might call
a worthy Christian after all
And though I love you so
temptation finds its way to me."

2005-03-14T20:13:00.000+08:00

"Sometimes, God seems to push us to our limits. He tests us beyond our endurance because He has greater faith in us than we have in ourselves."
- a text message from my friend zee
=================

thesis redefense..
tomorrow is our last ditch stand.
make or break.
may God be with us.
..i know we're gonna pull through!
=================

kuya Gary: aaron, matanong nga kita..honestly..
me: ano yun kuya Gars?
kuya Gary: seryoso ka na ba talaga sa 'kanya'?
kuya Gary: kasi, baka biglang ibigay siya ng Lord sa 'yo tapos di mo pala kaya..

Hoping..

2005-03-11T12:40:00.000+08:00

Finally, we finished our thesis program yesterday with the help of our friends abi and dennis =)

..we just hope that after the defense (which by the way would be our 2nd time and most probably, the last one!), the dean would include us in the list of students who will graduate this march 31.. (because there was a little bit complication in our case for our thesis grade which was "in progress" mark was already passed to him..)

we've done our part.

i know, God will do His..

Thanks again, abi and denz, my genius and loving friends!! thank you Lord for them!

Mala TeleSeye..

2005-03-06T07:21:00.000+08:00

setting
last night.. at shangrila mall foodcourt.. we were having this youth leaders' meeting with zee.

scene
=================
van: mga what time matatapos 'tong meeting?
me: 'di ko sure eh.. mga 9-10 siguro.. bakit, what time ka ba susunduin ni dad mo?
van: di ako susunduin! asa bahay lang siya. magcocomute lang ako..

after knowing that she was gonna' go home alone, i really wanted to accompany her home.. and i thought, i had to..

during the meeting, i wrote a text message on my cell..
me: pax..(giving her my phone)
van: um? (got my cell and read my message..)
"pax..gus2 ktang ihatid."
van: ano ka ba? (laughing..) ok lang ako noh! (smiling and tapping my arm).. wag na.

after that, i didn't know what to say.. what i felt.. i just shut my mouth up, sighed and said to myself, "oh, ok.." .. i didn't fight for what i wanted that moment. yeah, it's me! the aaron i know.. who doesn't want to force things his way. force is not present in his vocabulary.

at the mrt, when we're about to go home, i was with karen because we were both northward and van was at our opposite waiting area side..
me: karen, gusto ko ihatid si vannie.
karen: oh, bakit ka pa nandito?! sabihin mo kaya! puntahan mo..
me: nasabi ko na.. tinawanan lang ako eh.. wag na raw.
karen: bahala ka..(smiling teasingly)

madali akong kausap.. kung ayaw mo eh di ayaw, kung wag, wag.

but my heart and mind kept on and didn't stop. i knew what i wanted that moment.. well, i always knew what i want.

then came her train.. (with the sound of my heart beat thumping very hard)

karen: ano? hatid mo ba? yan na ung train!
me: ok lang ba syo? o sige..(nodding)
karen: vannie! hatid ka raw ni aaron! (shouting at vannie on the other side of the mrt waiting section
van: ano? (laughing..)
me: wag ka muna sumakay! hintayin mo ko.. samahan kita! (running towards the escalator to go to the side she was on.)
van: (laughing pa ren..)

and the rest of the story was, well, what they say, history. it was my first time accompanying her to their home and it was indeed a night i'd always cherish
=================

sorry kung mababaw! hehe..

this is drama king (a.k.a. senti boy) now signing off..=)

2005-02-28T20:05:00.000+08:00

The Programmer
By Roberto Consul

I have lived for many years now
But still, I am seemed to be misunderstood in some ways, somehow.
My existence is always felt, appreciated
But also always cursed, maltreated.

If ever you forgot, I am a man.
Still, I produce numerous errors in every program I run.
You see, I am not that perfect at all.
Beyond my intentions are those I’d done that caused others to fall.

I’ve spent so many sleepless nights,
Thinking of ways and algorithms that for you would be right.
Then suddenly, something bad comes along the way.
Then what do I get? Criticisms, the blame, all those damn they could say.

I have dedicated my life for the improvement of society’s living.
I could not ask for more than its better living.
Everything I develop, please use them well,
For a peaceful and innovative community where we’ll always dwell.

You can call me whatever you want,
Take me for granted or either put me in front.
But I’ll just always be that someone who wants to take a step further.
I am that one person, I am the programmer.

Editorial

2005-02-28T19:54:00.000+08:00

==============================
below is my editorial contribution on our ethics newsletter passed last week.. actually, i'm also a frustrated writer. haha!
==============================
Cool. When I first saw those new cell phone models with cameras and video players stuff, I thought, technology has really gone far. First, it was just plain texts then now, we can see real time videos on our small, handy cell phones.

But like any other technology, that new innovation on our cell phones has this bad side also. Recently, video clips containing sex scandals of personalities such as Anne Curtis, Karel Marquez, and Ethel Booba, are the talk of the town. Those videos are easily seen, copied, and distributed using the said cell phone models that have these video player technologies.

What is the issue in here? I heard from a debate TV show that there are those who blame the said cell phone technology. They are against the innovation because they believe that it is the root of all these scandals. For them, without the said technology, there would be no problem like this in the first place.

Yeah, I know they have a point. Really, those sex video clips are so easy to be accessed, produced, copied, distributed, and spread through those new cell phones. But for me, this case is rooted from one of the major issues involve in today’s era: Is technology good or bad?

In my own view, technology can be either good or bad, depending on how people will use it. Let's take a knife for a simple example. We all know that it’s a good kitchen utensil. It helps us in so many ways. But it could also be bad when it would be used to kill someone.

So like in this sex videos issue in cell phones, the problem is the people who use that cell phone feature to promote pornography, certainly not the innovation itself.

Sundays

2005-02-19T17:16:00.000+08:00

no problems,

no pressures,

just playing music in the church,

hanging out with my youth friends,

I just wished it was always Sunday..

but it isn't.

Not My World

2005-02-18T13:03:00.000+08:00

Last night, i was contemplating on how am i doing in my school life right now.

After learning yesterday that our thesis defense schedule (which was supposed to be ending next week..) was extended 'til the 1st week of march to accomodate more graduating students, i did'nt know what to feel. Some new source of hope.. maybe. happy? quite.. but i know one thing's for sure.. that this isn't my world..

Back when i was about to enter college, my motivation and considerations when i chose computer science were primarily because of money matters.. "andon ang pera eh.." i didn't went to the road i want, instead i chose the road where i felt i should be. and now, i'm dearly paying the price. it's not that my college life was a big failure. in fact, i'm one of those few comsci students at UST who have no PC but had never failed in any subject.. but that's not the point. i'm not enjoying where i am and what i'm doing at school right now.. but i've got no choice. i have to finish this crap.. we've got to make those computer agents communicate.. or else, i'll be in this hell longer than i thought.
=======================

"A single grain of rice can tip the scale."
-The Emperor in the movie Mulan

...

2005-02-15T10:24:00.000+08:00

..i don't know what will happen. no one actually knows.

this might be my first biggest failure..

..not graduating on time.

thesis.
==================

"The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all."
-The Emperor in the movie Mulan

Wednesdays with Vannie

2005-02-03T08:29:00.000+08:00

it's been 3 weeks since i regularly meet her every wednesday at Shangrila Foodcourt.. wala lang.. just spending time with each other.. my friends always tease me saying that we're dating or some sort of those stuff but i know, it's not.. basically, her school sked during that day is only 'till noon so when she have nothing else to do at school, she waits for her dad to pick her up there at shangrila mall.. and coincidentally, i have no class during wednesdays and i'm also in that area 'coz i have that regular wednesday meeting with the youth ministry core leaders during evening..

after meeting her yesterday, i remembered "Tuesdays with Morrie" . yeah, i think Mitch Albom (the author of the book) and i are quite the same (not that she is already dying!).. every wednesday i spend with her is like a class for me. the course is all about life. many subjects are covered such as people, issues, dreams, fears, problems, hope, love, and God. our classroom is the shangrila foodcourt.. for my requirements as of now, i just have to be open with her, to respond honestly to every question, and to just be myself.

this is just one of those classes i have to learn from during my stay here in this world.. there's nothing extraordinary about it.. but what makes it so special for me than the other classes i'm taking up right now is the fact that she is my teacher. amidst of my hectic and tight schedule at school and my commitments in our church, i always find a place where my mind and heart are refreshed, where my soul finds rest.. while at the same time, where i learn and discover many things i have yet to know and experience..

she is the oasis of my desert.

she's my angel.

Movie Lines

2005-01-27T09:12:00.000+08:00

last week, i watched the movie i am sam and a walk to remember (for the 2nd time).. 2 touching and heart-warming films which made me cried again.. haha. actually, i'm getting worried lately.. nagiging iyakin na talaga ako! ..just remembered van calling me Mr. Drama King. haha..

anyway, here are some of those lines which moved my heart.. yeah!! senti time na naman!

I Am Sam Lines
====================
"All you need is love." -Lucy

Lucy: [being observed] I want no other daddy but you. [turns to the glass]
Lucy: DID YOU HEAR THAT! WHY DON'T YOU WRITE THAT DOWN!

Lucy: Daddy? Why are you like that?
Sam: What do you mean?
Lucy: You're different.
Sam: Yeah, but what do you mean?
Lucy: You're not like other daddies.
Sam: I'm sorry.
Lucy: No, daddy it's ok. It's ok. Nobody else's daddy ever comes to the park.
[Sam giggles]
Sam: That's true!
======================

A Walk To Remember Lines
======================

"Ya know, I was getting along with everything fine. I accepted it, and then you happened! I do not need a reason to be angry with God." -Jamie

"Jamie saved my life. She taught me everything. About life, hope and the long journey ahead. I'll always miss her. But our love is like the wind. I can't see it, but I can feel it." -Landon

Landon: Are you scared?
Jamie: To death...
[Landon looks upset]
Jamie: Lighten up.
Landon: It's not funny.
Jamie: I'm scared of not being with you..
==================

2005-01-11T09:28:00.000+08:00

If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place.
- Nora Roberts

Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

His Way

2005-01-11T08:37:00.000+08:00

..while doin' my ethics subject deliverable last night, this song by the Switchfoot (this is your life), one of my favorite Christian bands, was played..

yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
yesterday is a promise that you've broken

don't close your eyes,
don't close your eyes

this is your life and today is all you've got now
yeah, and today is all you'll ever have

don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes

this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose

yesterday is a kid in the corner
yesterday is dead and over

..while listening, i paused for a moment and started to think for awhile.

yeah, this is my life,
i know everything i want.
i have my goals, plans, and dreams..
i know who i want to be...

..but the question is am i livin' the life God wants me to live?

wanting to be the person God desires you to be is not enough.

this new year is a new chapter. a new beginning..

we'd better start living the way He has called us to be.

Glimpse of 2004

2005-01-05T19:52:00.000+08:00

year '04 for me was indeed great.. a year of new friends, unforgettable experiences and moments, challenges and tasks that really developed and nurtured me more, and most of all, it was a year that i could say, i was closer to Him than i was before..

January to April '04
..the youth band started to pick up. zee, the leader of our Redeemed Youth, named the band Next of Kin. Jay, our drummer, and Fortune, our keyboardist, improved vastly in terms of their skills. Alee, the lead guitarist of our group took my challenge as he came out from his cocoon, making his electric guitar cry everytime the band plays.. Miguel was just as steady.. being the bassist, he was and will always be the backbone of the band.

..and when Karen came back from Davao, joined us again, and led the band as the lead vocalist, everything fell into their right places.

May to July
.. i became close with venessa gomez after four years since i've first met her. it started with our YM chats and during the Youth camp, i fell in love with her..

August to October
my mom gave up our place at cubao because of financial difficulties so it turned out that we had to go on separate ways for the meanwhile. i stayed at Manila, near UST, at the place of my cousin.

.. amisdt loneliness and the feeling of "being alone" i had, i found comfort and happiness with my Redeemed Youth friends. they became my second family. weekends have always been fun and memorable to me because of them.. those basketball games every saturday nights, the movies after sunday services, the food trips, and most of all, the Baguio retreat we had.. everything was just memorable!

.. and also, my CS2K5 barx who have always been there.. those overnights because of school works, the parties which i'll never forget ( birthday ni abi and yung acquaintance party! haha), and most of all, the bonding sessions (kasama na dun yung inuman sessions.. hehe)!

November to December
..gone are the days when after all souls' day, all i'm thinking already was Christmas season. because of pressuring school works (thesis and mulitmedia projects) and church commitments and responsibilities (youth concert and sunday & wednesday services), i didn't notice and felt the Christmas season..

..but i'll never forget the first and last Christmas party of our class.. sobrang sakit ng tiyan ko nun sa katatawa!

..fortunately, upon going home to our province in Batangas during our 2-week break, i felt Christmas naman.. dami kasing food eh! hehe..

People who played a big part in my '04
1. ate peews - my sister who was so generous and caring to me.. as she started working, she always gave me my allowance and some extra bucks whenever i'm in need.
2. vannie - i'll always cherish and treasure the bond that was established between us during the year.
3. Kristine Joyce - my friend whom i saw a little sister i had always dreamt of and whom i really treated as one..
4. Bestfriend Keren - my bhez who had always been there for me all throughout the year.
5. Maxx Mina - my new friend who had stepped up as the Next of Kin's new lead guitarist when Alee left. despite the circumstances, our friendship has stayed strong because i believe that what we have is indeed geniune.
6. Kuya Gary - my mentor and my coach. he's 1 of the people who have influenced me greatly on my walk with the Lord.
7. CS2K5 - my UST barkada who had always made my school days memorable.. mapa serious or kwela mode!
8. Redeemed Youth - my church barkada whom i had the honor and priviledge of serving the Lord with.

Merry Christmas!

2004-12-22T09:28:00.000+08:00

..been awhile since i'd written here. the past weeks have really been so pressuring and hectic to me,, schoolworks and church commitments, and the youth band.. today, i'm going home in our province where i will spend my Christmas with my famly.. i'm so excited and happy.. at last, a well deserved break for me!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!!!

may everyone be always reminded that Christmas ain't about gifts and parties.. 'coz it's all about Jesus' birth.. it's all about L-O-V-E..

to my family and friends, i love you.

i'm out.

2004-12-06T13:58:00.000+08:00

..had a great time last night with my friend maxx.

we started the night off by gate crashing in the 17th birthday party of LA, my ninong's daughter, at Discovery Suites in front of Podium.. they were really expecting my mom and dad but because of some circumstances, they did not make it so i ended up attending the party and because 2 seats were reserved, i brought along maxx, who was fortunately looking for a place to chill that night..

after the party, we went to the podium and sm megamall to catch a last full show but we did not make it so we ended up chilling to his place at timog. there, my eyes were opened to life's realities as we watched.. uhmm.. hahaha.

i arrived home at around 12:30am.
===============================

just remembered our youth basketball game last saturday.. we played against zee's team in his school (at ua&p) and the game was good.. they won the first set while we got the next two.. they all played great, especially maxx who had, i think, around five blocks.

everything was good.

except me. i had a bad game. i sucked.

i'm a frustrated basketball player.