While many were enjoying this stormy and cold week, our family went through one of its stormiest and darkest journey it has ever been. Many developments had occured and this coming week, i suppose, we'll be having our own separate ways for the mean time.. Because of the continuous financial difficulties we're going through, my parents can't anymore afford to keep a house which we have to pay monthly so my sister will be a bedspacer at Makati while i'll be at Manila, near UST, for the meantime.. and my parents will stay in our province.

That's life.. I don't want to say this but i don't want this kind of life when i'll have my own family someday..

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last night, my sister and i had one of those long and good conversations we ever had. We talked about relationships, letting go, sacrifices, love, and basically, about life..

I'm going to miss her so much. i'll miss those late night chats with her, those petty arguements we always fight for, the corny jokes we laugh at, and those endless guitar jam sessions.. i know, this is only temporary but.. i will really miss her.. too bad, haven't told her about this last night..

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"Dreams are just meant to be dreams.."
"Sometimes, there are just those nights wherein we can't even see a single falling star.."

Last night after class, while eating at Mcdo with my friends, we talked about how time really flies by so fast. yah.. it seems like it was just yesterday and i still have a clear picture of everything that had happened from the first day of our college life up to now. 7 months more and school life will finally be just a mere history and memory in my life's vocabulary.

but as i was going home that same night, i realized that i had many "what if's" during the past 3 years of my college life.. roads not taken. risks left undiscovered. no, they are not actually regrets as others would put it but just some of those questions that make us think somehow, sometimes..

Everyday is a test. from now on, i won't let a day pass by without taking the roads i fear. gotta' go out from my comfort zones. gotta' take the roads less traveled. gotta' stop playing safe. i have to conquer and expand my borders, push my limits..

Help me Lord God..

..had just finished this book by Paulo Coelho entitled "I Sat Down and Wept by the River Piedra". A great book. I've learned many things from the novel and many times while reading, i was really strucked.

these are two of those many lines that had touched me deep within..
"Even if it is not returned right away, love can survive when the hope exists that you will be able to win over the person you desire."
"..but i'm going to fight for her love. There are some things in life that are worth fighting for to the end.. and she's worth it."

yeah.. vannie's worth it..

i love her.. so much.

"Sometimes, when you've done the best act of love you can for someone, that person doesn't see it. Loving is all about that.. not minding if it's seen or not but having faith it'll be proven genuine by its fruits someday.."

Open Book

Sometimes, i tend to be paranoid over things..
..especially when it comes to vannie..

..i'm having this strange feeling.. it's because early this morning when we chatted until around 1:30am, i told her about the 2 text messages i'd received this week which i felt as if the Lord was the one speaking to me. So i gave her the site of this blog..

..and right now, i don't know what'll she feel after reading this blogspot..
would she think that i have those hidden agenda on why i let her know this blog?
would she think that i'm kind of pathetic or obsessed or whatever guy to her?
how would she react to all of what i've written in here?
how would she treat me after this?
would her perception towards me change?
what would basically happen??

.. so many questions and yah, the answers are truly few (sometimes, i can't even understand them..). it's up to her. all i know is that all of what i've written here are the things i really feel.. and i'll just continually let my heart speak.

i won't be afraid or anxious on telling her every bit of my emotion,
because i trust her, and i really do..
i just hope, she would understand.

The Big Letter ''P''

"it's better to lose your pride for the one you love
rather than to lose the one you love
because of the pride you have."

Last Sunday, i was very 'abnormal'.. abnormal in the sense that acted so indifferently towards vannie that it came to a point that i didn't even bothered to accompany her when she was about to go up at the 6th floor of shangrila mall to meet some of our friends at our youth ministry..

yah.. i myself was also suprised actually,, so that night, i texted her telling how sorry i was with how i acted the whole day and it was just because that i'm having this 'defense mechanism' for the fact that i am missing her so much lately..

i don't know but sometimes, i am really proud.. and i hate it. i always have to put up my defenses just to keep myself feel 'intact' in the comfort zones i live. yah, it's very ironic that i'm an open and frank person but actually, i'm always afraid and anxious of what others (especially vannie) would think and feel about my feelings..

.. until now, my cellphone is still waiting for her reply.. (even a miss call would be enough..) i have no single clue on what she's feeling right now,, if she's mad, disapointed, or something..
but for sure, something's wrong.

.. it's my pride.

Love's Patience..

These past two weeks, i had so many questions, so many things i'd like to clarify, so many words i want to speak up..

..it's just because lately, i really can't find myself.. can't focus and concentrate when i study, deadlines of those so overwhelming school works, family problems especially on financial matters, and many more,,

but i know, what really affects me is this thing about vannie..
basically, i'm looking for affirmations and some kind of 'return' for the feelings i have for her.. but like what she'd told me, it's not yet time for she has her priorites right now and she told me that she doesn't basically want to hurry things up.. so why am i feeling this way?

i know, my heart's been blinded by my personal desires and dreams lately.. and now, i realized that patience is really a virtue.. these last 3 days, i received text messages which seemed like the Lord was the one speaking to me through them..

Don't worry about anything...
instead, pray about everything.
Every flower bud blooms when it's time,
Every prayer is answered in God's time.

"The longest engagement according to Guinness Book:
67 years.. They finally wed at age 82!
Indeed, true love can wait..."

.. This is a test for me.. so i myself would know if i really love her or not..
yah.. i know i can wait.. and i'll do it.